The subject of stress is fundamentally different from all other training topics provided by employers. It can be highly personal, it is not just about work and it centres on feelings more than facts, although this is not always obvious. Furthermore, the many tried and tested techniques for keeping stress at bay are only a menu of suggestions or possibilities and require individual choice to suit differing personalities and individual circumstances. There is some common ground for many but there is no ‘one cap fits all’ solution.
Everybody is unique
I have no wish for this article to be seen as ‘touchy feely’. Quite the reverse is intended and I hope as you read on you will conclude that it is down to earth and relates to the realities of everyday life for you and your team and others in your life away from work. However, it is not a fanciful idea that some key aspects of our vulnerability to stress will be rooted in how we were regarded and treated from the moment we were born. Like it or not, we are largely stuck with that and with its variety of possible consequences, which might be positive or negative. Beware that as we get older our perception of any negatives in our upbringing may become exaggerated and the positives discounted. This self-deception can become entrenched and is unhelpful. More about this and how best the negatives can be addressed will be covered later.
Polar opposites
Most gurus in the field of people management education suggest that in general terms it is desirable to treat everyone in your team the same. On the face of it this seems good practice but I support the idea only to the point that a manager should be fair and consistent in the way each individual is treated. Consider the extreme contrasts between person A, who has been dealt a very difficult hand of cards in life and carries many burdens and yet is always cheerful and positive, and person B, who has no such worries and yet is always moaning and negative. Consciously or not, their manager is likely to treat them differently. I’d go further and suggest that your relationship with each member of your team is unique. Of course Person B’s personality and negative attitude makes them more vulnerable to stress and their outlook on life is likely to affect others in the team adversely.
Who will admit to stress?
In a department of, say, twenty or more staff there are likely to be four categories in the matter of self recognition or admission to suffering from stress.
a) The person who knows they are stressed but tries to hide it and is reluctant to admit it. By burying it they run the risk of it escalating.
b) The one who knows they are stressed, is facing up to it and is resolved to do something about it. Brave in some circumstances, perhaps, but a sensible step to protect their physical and mental health.
c) The one who is stressed but genuinely does not recognize it even though it is obvious to colleagues. This seems strange, but I’ve met many of them and will explain more later.
d) The person who is not really stressed but would like those around them to think they are. A pain to colleagues and difficult to manage!
The gender gap
This is not a sexist observation but a simple fact. A typical man is much less likely than a typical woman to face up to being stressed and therefore is less likely to do anything about it. Consequently most women (not all) are better at coping with it. I’ve already suggested that facts invariably seem the trigger for stress but also hinted that it is the feelings they provoke which really matter and need addressing. How often will you hear two men say, ‘Let’s go down to the pub to discuss our feelings’?
Most women are better at dealing with their stress because they are likely to talk about it to a friend, colleague or member of their family. Of course they are also invariably better at multi tasking due mainly to the neurological wiring between compartments of their brain. This is different from a man’s, which allows them to use more parts of their brain concurrently. How annoying it can be for a man when his partner is doing a crossword, listening to a radio play and preparing a meal, all with equal attention, and his focus is confined to fixing a new fuse in the mixer plug!
It is no surprise either that at my workshops when attendance is based on self-selection, most places are taken by women. In an organization employing a roughly equal number of each sex there will typically be ten women attending and two men. It is all the more frustrating when a man attending a mandatory workshop reports afterwards that he didn’t want to attend but was very glad he did. So the macho issue cannot be ignored and managers need to take account of it, perhaps to the extent of keeping a closer eye on the men than the women in their team.
A word of warning here for any manager who is one of the relatively few who has no personal experience of stress and‘Does not believe in it’. My experience suggests that they find it hard not to show their antipathy towards those who might need their support and help and in so doing make the situation worse for the unfortunate individual. The ability to have the imagination to put yourself in the shoes of others is an invaluable asset for an effective people manager.
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